Ugh.

I am really not doing well in the food realm of life. God, please help me.

Thank you for letting me share.

Getting Back Up

I fell off the wagon again. Sigh. Let's try this again. This whole week has been crazy. And I haven't been eating very well today, either.

Prayer. Trying. Screwing up. More Prayer. Trying again. More Screwing up. Realizing how good God is. Learning not to be so hard on myself. More Prayer. Trying again. And again. And just not giving up.

Beat.

More screwing up.

Double sigh. Here we go. Again.

The journey continues.

I took my aerobics instructor exam today. I think I did alright. I won't know for a month or more. That's the hardest part. But, it's over, for now.

I feel sort of like a sham. I'm out of shape and trying to become a fitness instructor. Ah, but I think it's beautiful somehow. This way I can share my healthful journey with others and help them with theirs at the same time.

Pretty cool, huh?

Sad and Tired

I am tired. I think my husband is mad at me and that makes me very uneasy. Hmm, well, maybe not mad, but there is a general disappointment in the air.

It also makes me sad.

So, here I am, the end of the day, sad and tired. The day, as a whole, was very good to me, but, it seems, this is what I am left with.

I'll make this short and then I will go and attempt to make peace with my love.

I weighed in today at 150.4! Nothing short of a victory. It was very difficult for me not to stuff myself this day, and as a result, my caloric intake ended at roughly 1500 calories. Pretty good, considering.

Good night. Sweet sweet dreams and a bright morning to you.

One Bra Woman

We've all known these heroes. They're our grandmothers, our moms, ours aunts and our sisters. My mom was one of them. The few, the proud, the one bra women.

Regardless of whether you're female or not, if you understand anything about laundry logistics, you can appreciate the difficulties of having only one bra.

I grew up watching my mom dote on my father and me, never thinking for a minute about herself, not for a minute, did she think, 'hm, perhaps a second bra would be nice'.

I've never been the type myself. I rather enjoy having a variety of bras. But yesterday, I woke up, I put on the same pink bra that I wore the day before and the day before that. And somewhere, somehow, it hit me. Motherhood [and marriage] got me good. I've doted long enough that I can now count myself among those amazing and honorable women.

I am a one bra woman.

This has nothing to do with weight loss, but I thought it would be fun to share. And I didn't have the guts to put it in my more popular blog.

So there.

I weighed in at 153. Considering that's almost a 2lb drop in one day, I feel pretty good. But, as we all know, the scale is a wiley one. We'll see what it says tomorrow.

I have a lot of temptation tonight. I made cookies for a meeting [that no one has shown up to] and yummy cheesy tuna casserole. I haven't surpassed my limit, but I'm about at it. I pray that I won't give in to temptation. I'm trying to learn this foreign new lifestyle of not eating/having/doing whatever I want. Praise Jesus.

And it's difficult.

To Be Continued . . .

. . . every day for the rest of my life.

The scale has not fallen, it has, in fact, risen. I weighed in at 154.8. Lions and tigers and bears! O MY!

I'm RIGHT back where I started two years ago.

I keep trying. I'll do well for a spell and then gorge myself for no good reason other than the old "I wanted to" excuse. And I'm learning, that is the worst excuse of all.

So, here we go, again. I am tired of saying "here we go". I am tired of saying "again". When do I reach the point where I actually start learning from my mistakes?

Because it's not about being thin, or at least it shouldn't be. It's about gluttony. That's what it boils down to. In this land of consumption, I've learned the delicate art of consuming too much and feeling overwhelmingly complacent about it. And that really sucks.

I need some goals. So, um, abra-cadabra:

1. To run with the cliché that condones taking life one day at a time. For now, I'll fit my elaborate plans into a 24 hour time span.

2. In keeping with #1, I am going to try to blog about it every day. With my schedule, I don't know if that will happen, but I am going to try.

3. Lastly I'd like to lose 10 lbs by the time Twilight premiers. I go to see Andrea that weekend, and then Thanksgiving follows it. First, because none of my clothes fit any more. And secondly, because I'm hoping I will have established some positive habits before I begin to prepare the Thanksgiving feast.

I'm a little anxious. For the last four months I've done nothing but gain weight. If I don't change this pattern, it's not going to change itself.

So yeah, it's go time.

For the Last Time, People!

Oh boy. I'm 27.

And I weigh 150 pounds.

Oh boy.

So, what have we learned? Two things stand out in my mind. Numero Uno: I know how to lose it. And second, I haven't yet mastered the art of keeping it off. And it is taking every ounce of my over-weight/under-confident body not to get discouraged. But, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to be down on myself.

I'm not.

Because you know what else I learned? I tend to measure success on a bathroom scale.

Hello? Jesus loves me!

So, let's not do that anymore. Let's get on track, be healthy - mind, body and soul.

OMG, gag me.

But, you know what I mean. So, I'm going to move on.

The way I see it there are two ways I could do this.

One: I could design/find a program that will allow me to lose the weight slowly and continually and then teach me how to keep it off once I get where I'm trying to go [in, like, 300 hundred months].

Okay, maybe it's a little less than 300, but regardless, I'm much too impatient for that. I've decided to design a program that will get me there a little faster. It has 3 parts. I've done the first two before, so I know I can do them again.

1. My own 2 week boot camp: 1200 calories a day while building up my exercising stamina. I haven't worked out in a hot minute, so I can't jump in head first. I've got to retrain my muscles and my endurance.

2. Ms. Jillian's 30 day boot camp: Man, she's a beast. But, I did it before and I came out all strong and muscly. We're talking 1400ish calories a day and killer workouts.

3. Staying the Course: By the time I get here, it'll be the third week in September and I should be very close to my goal [120 pounds, in case you were wondering]. We'll figure this one out when we get there.

For now, we'll focus on the [most current] hardest part: Starting.

Wish me luck for tomorrow. I'll need it!

Thanks buddy. You mean the world to me.

Rudimentary First Blog

I've been meaning to start this for a while. Details and info to follow. First things first. My intake for today:

Yogurt and granola: 200
Coffee: 100
1/2 PB&J: 200
Mini Oreo Milkshake: 350
BBQ Chips: 150

Total So Far: 1000 big ones. Yikes. If I'm going to stick to 1350 a day, then I'm almost done. :P